i started this blog after coming across an atheist blog. i was going to post a comment on the site, but felt that i shouldn't, because i would be punished for finally stating that i'm not really a believer.
in fact, when i did eventually decide to post my comment on the blog, i tried to send my comment through, but it didn't go through, because i got an error message after entering my email address in the wrong format. was that a sign? i took it as one, didn't post the comment, and closed the tab that the blog was in.
but, then i decided to start this blog, because i wanted to discuss this with others. hopefully, they will help me believe...
i just sat here thinking long and hard about whether or not i should just delete this blog. i was really leaning toward deleting it, but that wouldn't solve my problem. i need others to reach out to me and help me believe, because, as the blog name implies, i don't want to go to hell.
i think putting up this blog in the first place could be the start of trouble. i just feel like a lot of bad things are going to happen because god will think that i'm officially denouncing him, admitting that i don't believe in him. but, as you see, i'm obviously just lost. i refer to him as if he does exist. i just don't know what to do.
actually, scratch the first part of the previous paragraph. hopefully, god will know why i'm putting up this blog-to try to believe in him. this isn't a hate blog at all. and, after thinking about it more, god already knows what's in my head-the thoughts about me not believing. so, as far as this matter is concerned, there's really no difference in me saying to myself that i'm not a believer and me actually stating that to other people. so, there. i will keep this blog and use it as therapy, and hopefully, i will realize that god is real and i will go to heaven when i die.
i can't believe that i'm crying. but, it feels good to finally let it out, and that was the point of this blog, right? now, i can smile again. that feels better.
Posted February 6, 2009 Digg It!
